Note from BW of Brazil: Beyond all of the bickering back and forth about the state of black relationships, at the core lies a lack of self-value that has affected our people ever since chains were shackled to our bodies, but perhaps even worse, our minds and souls. Many years ago, when I first started delving into the issue of race in Brazil, most of my information came from books written by, first American, and later Brazilian scholars. And even though those studies gave me some insight into the issues, today, social media and blogs are allowing average, everyday people to bear their souls while getting to the roots of the issues that academics often only approach from a very polished, professional perspective. And this is not to discredit these works; I have an enormous collection of books that attest to this. But the scholars have a platform to discuss and teach about these issues that everyday people don’t necessarily have. Moreover, as more and more black women are discussing this issue, I think the time has come for the community itself to address how centuries of slavery and racism, media and social engineering have combined to undermine the love that black men and women (should) have for each other.
Who loves black women?
By Black Rad
I have only recently discovered what the solidão da mulher negra (loneliness of the black woman) is. Even not knowing what this is, it is something that accompanies me to this day.
The black woman suffers. She suffers from everything: her hair, her features, her skin, her body. But one thing little discussed is the relation of the black woman to love. What I often see is that people think black women are stronger, self-sufficient. Black women need love. Black women also want to be loved. But this is difficult. It’s difficult because the white man does not want to love a black woman. However, the black man also DOES NOT want to love a black woman. And so the black woman ends up alone.
It’s always like that. Society has taught both homens negros (black men) as well as homens brancos (white men) that beautiful is to date a mulher branca (white woman). Status is dating a white woman. Whoever has ever heard someone say, “Damn, he was clever! He’s dating a branquinha (white girl)!” “Ah, he’s doing right to marry a branquinha, it’s time to embranquecer (whiten) the family!”
Deceived is anyone who thinks that the only black women who suffer with the solitude are the adults. Black adolescents also suffer. Adolescence is marked by being a period where you discover many things, you decide how your future career will be, you start dating … oops, no. Many black teenage girls don’t start dating. Many black teenage girls take a long time to kiss for the first time, that’s when they do kiss. All this because the little boys she’s interested in will never have an interest in her. And all this damages the self-esteem of the black woman very, very much. In fact, it’s in adolescence (most of the times) where the total breakdown of the black woman’s self-esteem occurs, because we go from childhood to adolescence all the time hearing things like “seu cabelo é feio” (your hair is ugly), ” você é feia” (you’re ugly) among other things worse, but that’s already a subject for another text.
Let’s imagine that a black woman gets a boyfriend. But, this boyfriend is abusive. He treats his girlfriend very badly, destroys his girlfriend psychologically. The black woman who participates in this relationship will have even more difficulty breaking ties with this guy, because, she is aware that she must continue with this guy, because it was difficult enough to find a boyfriend, imagine ending it and find another”. A very engaging phrase I once read on Facebook was “Worse than not finding love, being in a relationship and not being loved.” I kept thinking about this phrase all day because it is very common to see black women in unhappy relationships. Unfortunately, it is very common to see black women suffering within a relationship.
The black woman is to blame for everything. The black woman is not loved enough, she is not contemplated enough. It’s our fault for being alone. It’s our fault for not finding decent love. It’s our fault for not having someone to share life with. It’s always the black woman’s fault. Black women need love, black women have feelings, black women feel alone. Black women need to be valued.